Let me just start by saying I’m not a team sports kinda a girl. I mean, I played softball on a team my mum coached for years, played tee-ball some time before that, and volleyball in the winter. But then I moved to a town where girls don’t play sports at a time in Mum’s life when breathing was a monumental effort….
I like to run. I like cycling. I like swimming, writing, reading, and am perfectly happy with no company but my own for days at a time. Small talk is a challenge, for me. I find navigating many social conventions excessively complex. I mean, what the fuck is the point of air kissing? It makes me think of peacocks, for some reason. I think pressing one’s cheek to a dear friend’s is far more welcoming than launching pretend smooches on either side of her ears. But, then, of course, I don’t wear make-up so smears and transference tend not to be an issue for me. Is that what the point is, then?
Anyway, regardless of (or perhaps tangential to) my own psychoses, it’s important to me that my kids play team sports. Important enough that I’m willing to give up four nights a week and several weekends a season to get them where they need to go, sit on ridiculously uncomfortable bleachers, and cheer. I think teamwork and sportsmanship are essential skills for anyone to learn. I think first-hand experience of the value of group effort, and the opportunity to lead your team is so important for future managers, colleagues, physicists, administrators, neuroscientists, basketweavers, or whoever. It’s like working in retail, really. Everyone should have to work in retail at some point in their lives. It’s immunization against being that asshole customer.
And everyone, at some point, should have to play on a team.
My daughter played soccer for two years and hated it. But this baseball season started out really, really well. She was so excited! Until some kids on her team turned into pretty good ball players and Danica just. Didn’t. Hitting is hard. Catching is tricky. Standing out in the field waiting for something to happen is boring. Just as when soccer transitioned from running around picking dandelions to trying to score some goals, she lost interest. And being the worst player on your team is hard.
But she’s not allowed to quit. We’re going to practice ten minutes or so a day until the snow comes. Just like with reading and writing, French and math. We’re going to practice those things like hitting and catching and throwing and running, just a little bit at a time. We’re going to have three-man ball games out at the local diamond, and then kick the soccer ball around in the field just beside. Together. And before you scroll to the comments or open your email client, it is not because I need for her to be good at baseball. It’s because I think failure is valuable. She does a lot of things easily that are really difficult for kids her age, and I can already see her putting it together that she doesn’t have to try as hard to synthesize facts and eject data from her startling mind. Sometimes she doesn’t have to try, at all.
I feel like it’s my job to help her understand that failing at something is really just an opportunity to learn to do it better. I know it’s my job to help her figure out that success at something you’ve worked to achieve is better than ice cream, or store-bought granola bars, or flying to Peru in a house held aloft by helium balloons. It is always better when you earn it, kiddo.
And sometimes it’s even better than that, when you earn it together.
You’re a GOOD mom! I love it, “she’s not allowed to quit” . That’s right! Teaching her to fall down 7 times, and get up 8 is a valuable lesson.
Thanks, Steena! I’m running again (can you believe it!!!) 5k three times a week this month, and then I’ll build up another 2k a month until I’m back up to a decent distance. I’m going to try to get my girl to ride her bike alongside this summer, which will give us both ample opportunity to get back up, I’m sure =D
Right on, my dear Desi. As a parent, you are exemplary…
*fist bump* Thanks, Lindy Lee. I hope it works out that way!
Better than ice cream? :)
You’re so right about team sports. I played everything as a kid and the preparation towards working with, and for, others is invaluable.
Our kids always hated those “group projects” in school, but I always insisted that they do they’re part to their fullest, in spite of the slacker kids. And if necessary, pick up their slack if it means you get the top grade. Frequently, they did have to do someone else’s task. But that’s how it is in your job. Someone will always coast, and yet your success depends on the team.
You’re going about this the right way. And ensuring future success, Desi.
Well, better than vanilla ice cream, anyway. Chocolate ice cream might be another matter, entirely…. A lot of parents of kids in my children’s age cohort (myself included) have a really complex approach to parenting, and my confidence that it’s working for us is rapidly waning. It’s not fun to be the hardass (the total complete opposite of fun, in fact) but I can’t pretend that coasting or just showing up is good enough. And I can’t teach them that getting by on ‘good enough’ is good enough for them, if that makes any sense :-) Thanks for the encouragement, MJ!
Loved your comment: “Everyone should have to work in retail at some point in their lives. It’s immunization against being that asshole customer.” I worked in retail after school in high school and waited tables several for several summers in college, and you’re right! It makes a person much more kind to the poor struggling minimum-wage schmuck trying to smile her way out of the inferior merchandise or cooking of her establishment.
It’s true! Auntie N from Icy Exhale just wrote a brilliant post about The Haves and the You Can’t Have None’s, and she just nailed it. If you’ve ever lived on minimum wage making nicey-nice to a bunch of assholes who speak to you like an especially unintelligent dog…. Well, it immunized me against being that customer, anyway :-) And, I really, really have to wonder if it informs our politics, too. But that might be a post for another time ;-)
Desi,
You are an amazing parent, so much more ahead of your time then even a very self aware you might realize. I’d like to refer to “Nurture Shock” by PO Bronson and Ashley Merryman (I think it’s Merryman?). Especially chapter 8 on “tools of the mind”. It is an amazing research and evidence based book on the so called effects of “proper and traditional” child raising. If you haven’t read it, READ it! If you’ve read it, be proud! YOU’RE KIDS ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU!
Ps… Cheek kissing is cultural. We are not of that culture. Edmonton is DEF not of that culture. So therefore it is either done to be fun or out of pretention
Oops… It is also completely voluntary. I liken it to butt sniffing amongst dogs. I’m not a dog and therefore do not butt sniff :)
HAHAHAH! Awesomeness :-)
((hugs)) Thanks, Cass. I’ve been reading Nurture Shock since I saw this comment, and I am absolutely loving the book – especially the way it breaks down so much of the dominant “parenting” research as a function of clear (and often misguided) objectives on the part of either the researcher or the funding partner (or both). Thanks so much for recommending it!
One of my students is of a cheek kissing culture, and I have no issue greeting her that way. But air kissing? Pure pretension. I’m too old to pretend to have any patience for that crap.