Old Friend, I was afraid to see you again. Desperate and anxious and excited and overwhelmed and buoyant with joy and terrified to see you. Because the person I was, the last time I saw you, was broken. Because I was trapped in a bad place and my escape attempt was foiled by a woman who finally opened her eyes at exactly the wrong right time. Like an animal, I clawed and hid and hurt people. I went to ground and stayed there with my books and pens and things. I sent a hologram, a desert spectre mirage of me, out into the world to do the things I was supposed to be doing while the rest of me, the human me, stayed in the dark and healed.
And lived.
I was afraid that the dark, still bearing the depth of my injury, would come with you, somehow. I was afraid that we would open the door on memories I had so carefully packed in the cellar. Dealt with. Moved past. Exorcised and imprisoned. Do you see? I wanted so much to see you again, but I was also so very afraid.
So when I saw you, and I couldn’t breathe, and the tears came, and the joy was there, mostly what I felt was gratitude. I remembered so clearly for the first time in too long the girls we used to be before things got bad. It was so wonderful to open that door, today. And see the girl you used to be in the amazing woman you’ve become, and how she still laughs in your eyes. It was so wonderful to see you again and remember together the part that was good.
You traveled in the world and I traveled in my mind and both of us came back whole.
I am so grateful.
In the moment of letting go of old hurts we thought had to do with others, we heal ourselves. You tell it so richly and poignantly, my dear Desi.
Thanks, Kathryn. It was one of those incredible moments of emotional watershed. I am so grateful. xo
Simply beautiful – stunning, in fact!
Thanks, t. You’ve given me such a smile :-)
Awesome. I have felt this, too, but you expressed it so eloquently!
Thanks so much. It was hard to make the words so I just wrote it and hit ‘publish’ and walked away. I’m so grateful that it touched you.
Desi, your writing is so emotive. I can feel your heart *hugs*
Thanks, Karen <3
You make me cry sometimes Desi. I could hope to have a friend like you one day.
Annnnd I’m crying, too.
*passing tissues* We should buy stock in this stuff.
((hugs)) You’re a sweetheart, Neeks.
And then you had your answer, that the friendship was true. Until that very moment, what you feared was falseness, in yourself, or in her, that would betray the friendship and turn the whole thing to hurt. I’m glad it didn’t.
Oh, honey. Me, too.
Beautiful! Sometimes old friends bring back so many memories for better or for worse :)
Thanks, Belle. I’m an expert at avoiding old friends for exactly that reason. Sometimes I forget that there can be a better, instead of a worse :P
As always, you have an amazing way with words! <3
Thank you, sweet lady :-)
One of these days, I too, need to sit down an write such a letter. It is something I need to do as am she this was for you.
It was something I needed to do. Partly to get it out into the light for myself, and partly so she would know how much our brief visit meant to me. So much can be lost or misinterpreted in a conversation replayed in the mind too many times. Writing, sometimes, is a salve for old wounds. And, sometimes, when you’re finished, the wound itself has faded.
‘a salve for old wounds’ – in my mind I thought my site an subsequent blog was such a letter. I come to realize they’re more an open ended letter to myself. The messages and words often cryptic.Something more defining is by far the best approach, Thanks for clicking on the flash light and pointing it in the correct direction.
You’re so welcome, Hudson. I wish you peaceful searching.