My textbooks arrived on Friday.
The kids saw the postal truck pull up outside the house, cranked their internal volume way past Eleven, and told me in a rush of jumbled vowels and consonants and bodies moving on multiple linear planes:
THE MAILMAN HAS A PACKAGE FOR US!!!!
And I would have reminded them that we were inside the house. Let’s use gentle voices, please. Except that I couldn’t make words, and my chest felt all constricted. And I worried that if I opened my mouth the sound coming out of me would be MUCH louder.
I went to stand by the door.
Someone uniformed and surly scanned my parcel and held it out for me. I couldn’t inhale, so I couldn’t say thank-you, and he looked at me with that special sneer front-end service providers save for asshole customers. (I have done my time in customer service purgatory. I know that look.) I’m sorry. I can’t-
Breathe.
And then I took the box, and I wiped my face with my arm. I exhaled while he rolled his eyes and stalked back to his truck.
“THANK YOU!” I shouted after him, my voice all broken and weird. He glared – too little too late, lady – and clipped our sidewalk with his u-turn. Asshole.
My Friday crew ripped open the box and held up my textbooks like gifts from Santa, presenting them to me with their tiny elfin hands. My daughter read the first few paragraphs of the enclosed letter from the Program Chair, and then wrapped her wee body around my leg.
“You’re going to be even smarter than my teacher, Mum!” And then: “If your brain gets too big, do you think it will start to squeeze out your nose? Your skull is finished growing, right?” And then: “Brains are made mostly of fat and water. You are going to have to eat A LOT of fat to grow YOUR old brain!”
Right.
My kids don’t remember a time that I wasn’t at home with them, and available. Danica’s last day at daycare was over three years ago and Shelton has always been with me. They spend the odd hour in child care at the gym, and have had sleepovers with family. And they do have a participative, loving dad. But the vast majority of the time it’s me. Negotiating trade disputes, mediating injustices, encouraging diplomacy, and monitoring resource consumption. I’m the Head Cuddler, Janitor, Booboo Kisser, and Make It All Better-er.
And for this thing that I’m doing – this thing just for me – they’re going to lose me for that evening time that used to be just ours.
(Oh. God.)
Last week, I said goodbye to standing dates with dear friends because I need this time. I need to get to physio to fix my defective knee. I need to learn French and snuggle on the couch with my daughter. I need pay attention while The Stickbug reads me Bob books and constructs complicated play scenarios for his cars. I need to go to hockey games with my husband, and just be together in the same space with him accomplishing nothing. I need to text with my mum and chat with my sister and be present for my family. And sometimes I’ll need to run away and hide from the obligation of it all. I hope my friends will meet me where I’m running to.
At the symphony on Saturday, my kids and I checked one off the life list (#29, woot!), and laughed together and chatted about what instruments we might learn to play next year. We made plans to watch Jurassic Park, and talked about dinosaur cloning, and ate donuts for afternoon snack.
And tonight? Tonight when I have my hot bath with my drink and my book, I might just set aside The Devil’s Teeth and crack a textbook instead.
Classes start January 9, people. I can’t wait that long!
Good for you for going back to school! And so glad that you are excited about it! Maybe I missed it, but what program are you enrolled in?
Thank you! I am excited, for sure, and a little terrified! I’m taking a Master of Arts in Educational Studies, which will hopefully help me better understand the socio-political outcomes for nonconventional learners, and maybe contribute to designing more effective program options for them. I’ve got high hopes. And a LOT of learning to do :D
Aahhh!!! I’m SO excited for you! This is a big deal,and given what you already do, I think you’re hardwired to handle just about anything up to and including classes starting. This is going to be a wonderful time in your life and heaven knows it seems like you have support for this. Just keep us posted on how fat your brain gets, whether it really does ooze out of your nose and how the high fat brain feeding diet works for you. If all goes well, I might follow in your footsteps, I could use a little brilliance around here sometimes. Kudos girl!!!
Aaaaah!!!! Thanks, N! My little household is very supportive, and the rest of my family and friends will get there, in their own time. Hopefully my wiring has no shorts or loose connections, ’cause the whole thing feels awfully electric. It’ll be good. And what a thrill it would be if I inspired you to do the same!
A friend of mine is in a graduate program as well and…well…our standing coffee date hasn’t happened in many moons. I miss it, but that is dwarfed by what she is accomplishing. I’m so happy for you and frightened for you and all those other tumultuous emotions! What a wild ride it’s going to be, but well worth the ticket price! Just take one step at a time toward tomorrow, slow and steady, steady and slow.
It does feel like a bit of a highwire act, right now. Like if I inch my feet forward, oh so carefully, I won’t fall and will land in perfect position after my grand finale. But if I don’t? If I step too grandly? Well, let’s hope the net guy tied his knots right…. ;)
Ebb and flow, give and take. It’s your turn to do whatever you want to do – be with your family, go to school. BE DESI! I’m sure your friends will meet you!
Woot! Thanks, Laine!
I imagine it’s not easy; I have no idea how I will ever deal with a similar situation. Good for you for taking that step, doing something really for you, and something interesting, also a very good example to your children. I spent a lot of time annoyed with my mum for not doing things for herself. She had three kids and had to work hard though. I hope I can find a balance myself – someday
I’m not sure finding a balance is even possible, though there is so much value in trying. And maybe that’s the lesson, right? That equilibrium is only attainable so briefly, because everything does inevitably change. Or something ;) Thanks for the cheer, Natasha. I’m pumped!
Good point…….I’m cheering like the rest of the team!
Getting new textbooks is always exciting. Oh, the places you’ll go! Please do remember to breathe. I can relate to occasionally overlooking breathing, but it really is helpful! Best wishes for a happy grad school experience and keeping life in balance! :-)
Thank you, Melanie! It’s thinking about the balancing part that costs me my breath, but the rest of it is SO exciting! I’ll get there!
Excellent :) And you only ever have to take one wee step at a time
Yes. One wee step. I may make that my mantra, because giant leaps often seem so much more practical to me (until I slam into the obstacle and crash to the ground). One wee step. Thanks, Speccy!
I’m so glad that your breathing has resumed. It really does help to make textbook reading and fat brain-bathing possible.
Oh, me too. Fortunately, my daughter was at the ready with a resuscitative bath towel. (Though, come to think of it, I may have to add a couple of Big Crunch sandwiches to her rescue kit.) It’s all good!
** I hope my friends will meet me where I’m running to..**
Stunning – Beautiful writing. —So glad you’re going back to school.
BravA!
Oh, wow! Thank you so much! Your lovely compliment has given me such a smile. Thank you! :)
You already have your PhD in this:
“Negotiating trade disputes, mediating injustices, encouraging diplomacy, and monitoring resource consumption.”
January 2012 will pop up quickly enough and before you know it, so will
January 2032…
lol Thanks, Lindy Lee. Time does pass so quickly when we’re busy and focused. In 2032, my daughter will be 25! I can’t wait to meet the woman she’ll be.
woo hoo, smarty pants.. love it.. you think too much, just go for it!
Hahahaha! Thanks, C! I do think far too much, but my first course is about the philosophy of learning. Philosophy of learning!!! (*swoons*) Yeah. I think I’ll just go for it. :)
It is all kinds of awesome! January is the beginning of a new chapter in your life and I am very excited for you :)
Woot! Thanks, Belle! “New chapter” sounds MUCH better than “brain-destroying gauntlet of terror”. (*chuckles*) It’ll be good! :)
This is so exciting. I know it is hard, but it will all be worth it.
Thanks, Lisa! I really, really hope I can take this degree and do something amazing with it. Or, you know, just survive the process….
A bath and a new book sound wonderful. I just love the way books smell when you first crack them open! Make sure you eat more fat so your brain can grow… hahaha :)
Oh, me too. Though I like the smell of old books, too. And book stores. And libraries…. As for the fat? No problem! I have a moral obligation to eat as much fat as possible from now until the end of grad school (*maniacal laugh*). ;)
It’s the beginning of something good. Stay focused, study hard, keep your eye on the prize!
That prize does look awfully damn good…. :)
BREATH!
Workin’ on it! ;)
Value is bought with risk. Makes for scary moments! But you are so clearly on a great path, and you have that amazing team backing you at home–they’ll help you get through it all. And of course the rest of us are out here cheering you on at all times. Can’t wait to see where all of this takes you!
My team at home is pretty awesome, that is truth. Though, usually it is me supporting them – not the other way around! I like to be able to “see” five years down the road, but this path spans in so many directions I don’t know where I’ll end up. (Panic!!) Here’s to risk, value and the road less traveled! Thanks for the cheers!
Inside is a constant humming, yes? A choral symphony of excited OHM, if there can be such a thing. Swooping EEEEs and mighty OMGs! ;-)
Very excited for you. Cannot wait to see what and where this journey goes/does.
In other news – what was the driver’s major malfunction? Because it sounds like he was peeved because he had to do his job.
I think you summed up his personality beautifully and succinctly.
Oh, yes! Many, MANY eee’s and mighty omg’s!!! Woot!
As for the driver? I don’t know what his deal was. But thanks so much for complimenting my writing about him. Saying more with fewer words is something I’ve been working on :)
This is AWESOME! Way to go!!!
Thanks!